Lessons on vulnerability from Brené Brown

I discovered Brené about a year ago and since I listened to her first TED talk called The Power of Vulnerability I was completely in love with her research findings and her as a person. I don’t think I’m the only one as this TED talk is one of the top 5 most viewed TED talks ever with over 40mln views. See for yourself.

Her insights are delivered in a characteristic way with a witty sense of humour mixed with the big dose of understanding of human nature and emotions. The message from the studies is clearly pointing to important human values needed to achieve success. Brené also breaks the myth of vulnerability seen as a weakness and shows it as the desired quality.

 “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” 

Brené Brown is a research professor in social work at the University of Houston where she studies courage, vulnerability, shame, empathy, authenticity, and leadership. She is an author of five books which become #1 New York Times bestsellers: The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly, Rising Strong, Braving the Wilderness and Dare to Lead. I’m still to read the last one but the first four I just loved. I chose them delivered as audiobooks as I really enjoy them read by her.

There is so much truth in her books, a lot to think about and to discover. Her research findings are very interesting and not always comfortable or fitting into our usual understanding of feelings. There are lots of misconceptions out there and Brené brings them to light and explains them.

Just recently, Brené’s filmed talk called ‘The Call to Courage’ was made available on Netflix. I highly recommend it if you have a chance to watch it! Brené talks there about the connection between courage and vulnerability, exposing myths and teaching very important lessons.

 “I imagined smallness in my life, didn’t take chances, didn’t step up to my power and play big because I wasn’t sure I could withstand criticism. Today I chose courage over comfort. I’m going to fail if I’m brave but I chose it anyway.”

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.” 

“Vulnerability is hard, scary and feels dangerous but it is not as hard, scary and dangerous as getting to the end of our life and having to ask ourselves what if I would have shown up, what if I would have said I love you. “

10 Guideposts for Wholehearted Living

One of the greatest learnings for me was to realize my authentic self, find my way and the wholehearted living. Discovering and exploring my vulnerability was a big part of this journey.

“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”

In her book ‘Daring Greatly’ Brené brings up the quote from Theodore Roosevelt to illustrate the power and great value of vulnerability.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; . . . who at the best knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”

Brené recognizes that the most important human values and emotions need to be cultivated in order to live an authentic life.  She summarises her findings in “10 Guideposts for Wholehearted Living”.  I found them incredibly simple but so powerful.

1. Cultivating Authenticity and Letting Go of What Other People Think
2. Cultivating Self-Compassion and Letting Go of Perfectionism
3. Cultivating Your Resilient Spirit, Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness
4. Cultivating Gratitude and Joy, Letting go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark
5. Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith, Letting Go of the Need for Certainty
6. Cultivating Creativity and Letting Go of Comparison
7. Cultivating Play and Rest, Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth
8. Cultivating Calm and Stillness and Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle
9. Cultivating Meaningful Work, Letting Go of Self-Doubt and Supposed-To
10. Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance. And Letting Go of Cool and Always in Control

What is vulnerability?

Brené explains how vulnerability is both the core of difficult emotions like fear, grief, and disappointment, and the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, empathy, innovation, and creativity.

Her teaching brings a raw realization that feeling vulnerability is a requirement to open your hidden possibilities and potential. Vulnerability is often seen as a weakness but it can be actually a positive quality and Brené is trying to expose the myth.

The word “vulnerable” comes from the Latin word “vulnus” meaning a wound. It already implies a negative feeling of exposure to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. But is it all it really means???

Bringing the raw and real self is not always easy and requires opening yourself to possible pain, failure, and defeat. But without it, there is no gain and win. The risk is always there but you will not know what is possible unless you tried. Maybe you will lose …but what if you win?!

It is often difficult to find yourself in vulnerable situations (if it’s to open yourself again after the failure of relationships, asking for help, standing up for yourself, being assertive or other) but it is only a short discomfort before potential gain.

We often feel like building a thick armour around will help us survive when we are not ready to face the world but that way we close ourselves for potential good experiences which come after that. The vulnerability can help us to build our courage and this can lead to great life successes.

You need to be vulnerable to try again to build yourself from scratch, to open yourself for possibilities, to find new ways. That’s the only way to grow, learn to win or lose again and again.

You can choose to build an armour around yourself to protect you from another fail or loss or … you can choose to be vulnerable and open yourself for every possibility.

Few more quotes

“Wholehearted living is about engaging with our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, ‘No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.’ It’s going to bed at night thinking, ‘Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.”

“Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center of meaningful human experiences”

“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

“Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.”

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”

 “Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” 

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”

 “To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees – these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain. But, I’m learning that recognizing and leaning into the discomfort of vulnerability teaches us how to live with joy, gratitude, and grace.” 

“Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.”

Your reflections

What are your thoughts on that?

What role does vulnerability play in your life?

How could you use it in your advantage?